Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
