Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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