cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize