True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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