oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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