Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
