I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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