I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
