I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize