So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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