i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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