Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
