also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize