do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
