Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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