Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
