People in love make me want to vomit
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Are we still banned from the library?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
