A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
