i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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