everyone is single if you try hard enough
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
