hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
