Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
