Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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