I accidentally burped into my bong.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
