i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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