Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
