Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
