U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Randomize
