he puts the penis in happiness.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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