DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
