How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
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Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
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$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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