As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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