So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
