I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
