when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
