Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
