I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
