i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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