Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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