Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
