i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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