I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Randomize
