just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
