I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
