How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
