And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
