there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
