I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
