Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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