i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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