I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
