I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
