I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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