I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
