Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
